I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
