Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Who wears a wallet chain?!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
