We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
