two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He passed out mid-signature
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
