I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
