it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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