He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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