i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
