I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize