i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
