I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
