im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
