No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
