He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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