I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
