alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
