I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
should my penis look like a turkey
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
