the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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