The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
