The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
