Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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