I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
