Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
