So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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