hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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