I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
