You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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