He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
