I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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