so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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