he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
