His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
