marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
