Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
