I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
