i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
