In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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