stop calling my apartment porn island.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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