No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's just like the Real World with babies
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
did i walk over a car last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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