yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
