this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
