Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
