i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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