i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
