see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
