She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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