woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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