Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
