Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
