God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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