If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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