Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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