Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
