This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
