I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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