I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
