I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
