I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
