i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
