it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
