I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
