Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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