It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
